The rise of estroGENTs and the fall of de-men-tia !

Watching Bachhan saab helplessly lay shackled in a hospital room playing the character of an Alzheimer’s patient in the cult blockbuster “Black”, tear ducts disobeyed every order from my brain to refrain from flowing. The saline fluids were more in control while watching the south remake Ghajini, where the perfectionist Khan convincingly essayed the role of a short term memory loss patient. Russel Crowe wowed all good cinema lovers with a memorable performance as a mathematical genius with schizophrenia. Though each personality lived a different past, these celluloid depictions were morsels of education for me on matters of the brain. But I also wondered why only the representatives of Adam (aka men”) were the chosen ones for such men-tal conditions?

My curiosity multiplied like desert rats in mating seasons as soon as an update from a news channel I follow popped up on my Tweetdeck.. “Tainted former CWG Organising Committee chairman Suresh Kalmadi has been diagnosed with dementia, a disease related to memory loss.” With my limited skills in mathematics and deplorable memory (shortest term memory loss!), I thought hard “Isn’t Kalmadi the same man who ruled India’s apex sporting body (IOA), responsible for churning out Olympic potentials, for over a century? Isn’t Kalmadi the same MP who added another soiled feather in India’s cap of corruption with a 8000 crore scam? Isn’t he the same pot bellied administrator who created paan-stained guest rooms in the CWG village but remembered to take credit for every discredit to the nation”. Oh yes! He is the same man.

And then there was en-light-en-ment, thanks to the Philips CFLs in my room. The answer was hidden in their hormones. Increasingly, the narcissistic testosterone has been made to eat humble pie made of rotten ingredients. The resulting condition of the stomach, popularly referred to as Delhi Belly, releases uncontrollable gallons of gas in the brain causing memory loss and related man-tal disorders. Estrogen, on the other hand, has witnessed an unprecedented rise in the battle of hormones given its powerful attributes and image of being a caring, smart and honest hormone. What else would explain the mercurial rise of Lady Gandhi, Amma Jayalalitha, Shonar Mamta, Sporty Saina and innumerable corporate chieftains.

As we overstate in our PR strategies the importance to de-jargonize, de-mystify and de-code complex concepts…the time is right to probably carry out the most historic scientific experiment ever known to man …”de-men-tia”. Let the estrogen pervade every human body to create a new species – more intelligent, more caring, more mature, more peace loving, more honest – estroGENT.


Yours truly,

O god, who am I? and why have I drafted this pointless blog.

Oh yes, I am the de-men-ted one.

Amulya butt: best quality chicken legs - 150 rupees, premium quality frog legs - 3000 rupees, supreme quality mutton liver - 4500 rupees....john abraham's butt - 10 crore rupees. Somethings money cant buy, for everything else there is Bipasha or the Insurance company.....utterly BUTTerly delicious, AMULya !!!!!!!!

If Inception were made in India

If Inception were to be made in India, possible story plots.

(P.S. Apologies Leonardo, Nolan)

• Shaahid Kapoor the protagonist, delves deep into Kareena’s dreams to extract her mind blank of Saifu’s thoughts.
  

• Manmohan Singh hires Rahul Gandhi to extract all anti-Congress sentiments from the mind of Sushma Swaraj and make the BJP believe that price rise is good for the economy.
  

• Anilbhai contracts Amar Singh to invade Mukeshbhai’s mind and brainwash him to believe that Anil is the rightful heir to all profit making companies of RIL.
  

• Shashi Tharoor avails help from Sharad Pawar for inception that Lalit Modi is a close friend of Sunanda Pushkar, contrary to popular belief.
  

• And finally, Obama hires Gen. Kayani to capture Pradhuman Singh (Tere Bin Laden) and dive so deep into his dreams that poor Singh is convinced that he is the real Osama. End of the proxy war, end of the Afghan invasion…and finally, World Peace !!!!

Bloody BLASTards did it again...with imPUNEity !!!

To be brutally honest, I am not surprised that people indulging in terror activities as a way of life have targeted a cozy little unsecured bakery in the by lanes of Koregaon park in Pune. Soft target, hard impact, expression of machoism???

Just few and random Jack ASShisms on the unfortunate incident and tragedy extraordinaire !!!

Shiv inSENAty?? - what azed me is the party's audacity to singularly blame the congress government for failing to "protect" the German Bakery. "the congress was busy guarding the Khan" is what they say. Ridiculous to say the least....didn't it all start when the SS went on an egotistical rampage against the film star (as they couldnt directly directly vent their ire against Rahul Gandhi who in a symbolic victory boarded the Mumbai local train and derailed the party's fake war cry !!!)

i have all the valenTIME in the world - why on earth does the police persist with its self-proclaimed-guardian-of-Indian-culture-role??????? Mr. Commissioner if you are listening (doubt it, I too am a nobody just like millions of other citizens) please prioritize your force's time...rather than extorting money from some romantic couples on V-day, they could invest their time to befriend, listen, protect and respect fellow citizens / Mumbaikars !!!

Mr. chief MINIster??? - Hon'ble CM, the capslock is deliberate...it is to ask you if the chair you so proudly occupy gives you any "real powers" to fight anti social elements, law breakers of any kind - criminals, politicians, terrorists???????? We have voted you in power, so are we wrong in asking for basic security in return?? I think it's time to act, act fast and prove to the citizens, the city, the state, the country and the world at large that you are not just any MINIster, but the Chief MEGAster of the state !!

To quote SRK (kinda), may sense prevail and nonsense derail !!

Astomaya sadgamaya...................

Jack Asshishisms !!!

We all have our unique perspectives and opinions about episodes, people and occurences around us. And we like to express them using styles and mannerisms that best define our personality. I admire people like Jay Leno and closer home, Shekhar Suman, who cannot be described as stand up comics, but have carved a niche for themselves with their inimitable, incisive and distinct sense of humour. If Navjot Singh created mass hysteria with his Sidhuisms, here is my baby step to fame with Jack Asshishms !! Your contributions, comments and criticisms are always welcome. The endeavour is to update these on a daily basis !!

When a person's motions, values and morals become loose, what is he suffering from?
- "decentry" !

Critic's judgment on SRK's Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi?
- Shahrukh Khan't dance saala !!

India-Pak's favourite diet during crisis?

- Bushmati Rice !!!

What did Nasdaq ask the Bombay Stock Exchange?
- Is there a Viagra for your senSEX?

Best criticism for NDTV's 26/11 terror reporting?

- Barkha is Duttrimental to the Indian army

Demand of furious Indians post 26/11?
- Not sPOiLITICIANS, this country needs Qualiticians !!

My G-spot takes over !!!

Just as I began writing this blog, a news report titled “India named among the 20 most dangerous places in the world to visit” in a UK report, left me completely befuddled and frankly hurt. Come on people, we are talking about a great nation that has withstood some of the greatest terror assaults, mass exoduses and economic carnages ever recorded in the history of mankind, or at least in modern civilization. And what’s even more saddening is that it took just one act of dastardly terror attack to perpetuate this perception????? I for one am at a loss of words.

But that’s not the focus of this post. At least not entirely. Since early days of my life, I have been fascinated with the concept of a “confession box” available to Church goers, where anyone who has committed an immoral or sinful act, is party to, or experiences a feeling of either, can share his remorse or guilt with the pastor. An idiotic reality show, full of idiotic nobodies on the idiot box (I am referring to the plagiarized version of the “Big Brother”) resurrected the concept of the confession box in their show. But only the shirt-stripping, pseudo bitching and erotically charged inmates of the show had access to it. And that’s when it struck me, that I too have taken the pains to create a blog of my own – my own, personal and virtual confession box.

The high voltage and inarguably unprecedented terror drama that unfolded in Mumbai in the last 60 hours has literally shaken the collective psyche of this nation. I do not wish to recapture what transpired in these last 3 odd days, as any concerned Indian (and for that matter global citizen) would have been submerged into newspapers or tv channels reading/watching live updates/footage of the ghastly attack on symbols of Mumbai’s cultural heritage and economic prosperity. For those who only believe in statistics – over 200 innocent lives lost, more than 350 injured, over 4000 crores worth of damages, over a dozen commandos martyred and more importantly, nearly a 100 billion souls shaken. Whoever says 26/11 “could have been” another 9/11????? If you calculate the collateral damage – emotional, physical and monetary, I would say that 9/11 was just a prelude to 26/11.

But this is where my G-spot took over. I believed, as many other Indians would have, that I was “visibly shaken, emotionally moved and patriotically charged up” after sitting through almost 40 hours of live tv coverage. I felt a sense of “wish I could have worn the elite commando force (black cats) suite, held an assault weapon and fought along side the fearless champions of our Indian army”. Hahahaha

The very next evening, here I was, sitting with my closest friends at an up-market Chinese restaurant in Mumbai’s posh suburb, digging into sumptuous chicken friend rice with oyster sauce, and unabashedly continuing my verbal tirade against the “fidayeens” who probably succeeded in deeply damaging the innocence and multi ethnic fabric that Mumbai prided itself upon. Probably a sense of fatigue crept in, and I switched conversation to the entertainment activities being planned during my engagement ceremony in February next year. After all, our lives should not be affected or altered right? We are known for our spirit and resilience??? We must continue to put up a brave act, and yes, not stop the entertainment activities we have lined up to celebrate the personal milestones in our lives. So what if the nation is mourning !!!

And this morning, as I took the effort to go through every gory detail of how the hotel staff was threatened to torch up their own hotels or face bullets, of how a marriage ceremony in the lobby of the historic Taj turned into a virtual morgue, of how a family of 5 was brutally wiped out with over 30 bullets pumped into their chests and skulls, and how I am even in a position to write this blog in the safe confines of my home thanks to the brave hotel staff and our nation’s armed forces – something inside me moved. And hopefully, this time it will not be mere lip service.

GUILT is good, if it makes you a better person and more importantly, an active citizen. My G-spot has taken over me, what about yours?

Hey I got to go guys, my mom just called me to the hall. “Come here Ashish, the weather outside is so beautiful and serene.” !!!

Asatoma Sadgamaya
Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya
Mrithyor Maa Amrutham Gamaya
Aum Shanti Shanti Shantihi

(Lead me from the unreal to the real. Lead me from darkness to light. Lead me from death to immortality. May there be peace everywhere. )

Feel @ home at my personal blogosphere

Guys,

Firstly let me admit that I am a novice to this blogging paranoia / hysteria / revolution - call it what you may. But as great scholars and Bollywood films have been quoting (to death) - at least it's a start ! Positive thinking at its best (you bet it is positive thinking...30 and first time blogger - I should have contemplated suicide long time back for not even having the knowledge of how to create a blog. Thanks my dearies Chats and Disha for once again bailing me out).

So friends, Indians, global citizens (I only know one friend who is abroad - so again i take the cake for wishful thinking) and fellow bloggerians - please help me resurrect and redeem myself by posting few posts here and there as per your convenience. As my life has already become, I would not want my attempt at blogging to become a chats-disha-duggu-debbie family affair.

Till i hear from you....love ya guys.

Ashish